So I talked about the physical plans that will start tomorrow (recap: yoga, walking, food diary, multivitamin, low-on-the-food-chain and cut back on the sugar).

Now it’s time to map out the rest. This one will be a little more list-like and less “talky” than the last one.

Love Life

• Continue to come to terms with what kind of relationship and what kind of guy I’m looking for.
• Also continue working on self-acceptance and body image issues.

Work Life

• Do a “brain dump” for all the stuff that’s outstanding.
• Get clear on goals for each business.
• Work on getting the office organized.
• Engage in weekly planning reviews a la Getting Things Done.
• Develop a new set of beliefs and work on adopting those to conquer procrastination and indecision issues.

The Home

• Do a walk-through and create a massive punch list of everything that needs doing.
• Create a list of “daily minimums” — things I have to do no matter what, the bare minimum.
• Add 15 minutes of straightening every night.
• Make sure as much as possible gets delegated to offspring.
• Create notes for eventual ultimate organization project.

Money Makeover

• Use Law of Attraction concepts to increase income.
• Work on beliefs about money and create new, more positive ones.
• Create budget.
• Figure out how much money it would take to make me feel secure.
• Work on feeling secure anyway, using meditation and belief/thought techniques.
• Keep track of all expenditures.
• Make a lesson plan to fill the gaps in my financial knowledge, then fill them.

Art & Learning

• Carve out 30 minute spaces at least three times each week to paint.
• Do same for music practice.
• Make list of everything I want to study or learn, and keep it somewhere safe, permanent.
• Come up with a “syllabus” or plan to work on at least one subject on the list at all times.
• Find free resources on web (or in library) to use for learning projects.
• Find music teacher and find out how much lessons cost.
• Plan to take lessons by end of year.
• Work on changing belief that this is a silly thing to put on the list because it totally is NOT and I am completely deserving of pursuing these goals.

Relating

• Take stock of each current relationship.
• Focus on improving parental/child relationships first.
• List everything I’m looking for in friendships.
• Post mortem the last 2 that went so horribly awry, for very different reasons (having not much to do with me, but there are lessons there regardless).
• Use LoA principles and tools.
• Brainstorm places that people I’m looking for would congregate.

OK. Now THAT’S a plan.

The Story So Far

So, back on this page, I revealed the scary, ugly truth about just how much my life sucks right now. You know what they say: admitting you have a (whole boatload of) problem(s) is half the battle.

Now what the heck do I do? I’ve never been one for flying intuitively — and in fact learning how to distance myself from my “need to control” at all times is really one of my biggest life challenges, I think, at least this go-round on earth. But the truth is this: I’ve always responded much better to well-thought-out, mapped-out, diagrammed-and-drawn plans.

No reason to stop now, right? Plus, I think it holds me more accountable. If I say I’m going to do “x” thing by “y” date, then by Goddess, I’d better do it, else the general public can rightly hold me up to ridicule and scorn. Not that I’m into that kind of thing, mind you. But a little threat of a wee bit of public humiliation can be a powerful motivator.

So, where to begin? If we start with my premise that there’s no reason to focus on “only one thing” — that sometimes wholesale change is easier, and further that this is one of those times — then we need a comprehensive approach. But before I can figure out how to get “there” — I have to figure out where “there” is. We know where “here” is already — that’s the first post.

Where, exactly, am I trying to go? That’s the question for this post. The battle plans complete with mindmaps and lists and to-dos — that comes in the next post.

Setting Ambitions

I like that word — “ambitions.” I like it much better than the word “goals.” Goals sounds so business-like — reminds me waaaay too much of my former life as a corporate cubicle-head and my yearly evaluation, complete with its “objective benchmarks” and “self-analysis” bullshit.

I don’t have goals. I have ambitions. And they are large, and they are many.

For My Physical Being (The Divine Image)

Too much to synthesize, so let’s just copy and paste what I wrote in that first post:

Fifty-eight pounds over the outer edge of my healthy weight zone (which is 138-165, if you’re wondering — do the math and you’ll realize I weigh 223)

Hypertension

Chronic headaches (perhaps related to hypertension)

Chronic back pain and occasional sciatica, related to compressed and ruptured disks and an untreated case of scoliosis in childhood

Thinning hair

Somewhat dull and less than smoothly-textured skin; also some age spots on forehead and cheek

Weak nails that almost always end up split and torn

Endometriosis

Complete devolution of fashion and style into elastic-waisted yoga pants and tees with slip-on athletic mules

There’s at least one thing in that list I can’t do anything about — the endometriosis. But there’s also a lot of stuff that can all be remedied with the same actions (weight, blood pressure, general feeling of ickiness).

The vision I have for myself in regards to my body is this: I weigh 150 or so, and I get there is a healthy and easy way, without deprivation or diets or pills. I move easily in my skin, and I generally feel great, without medication. My resting BP is, on average, somewhere around 114 over 98 — again, without medication. I eat good foods, healthfully prepared, but only as much as I need to fuel my body efficiently. I am active and in good physical condition. I can run a mile without getting overwinded; I can also do Chautauranga and a perfect headstand in yoga class. My hair is thick(er), my skin clear. I sleep deeply without waking during the night for at least 7 hours straight. I have a wardrobe filled with clothes that fit me perfectly, that complement my coloring and suit my lifestyle, and are consistent with the image I have of myself as a professional writer, an artistic person who is also a savvy business owner.

My Love Life (Eros ‘n Aphrodite)

I said it was nonexistent, but that I was beginning to think critically about what I wanted in a man. About all I can say here for this area of my life, then, is: I know what and who I want, and I believe with all my heart both that I deserve to have that person in my life, and that it will happen.

I don’t think I can say more right now — I just don’t know enough yet about what the vision looks like to describe it here. So that’s my ambition: to know what that vision looks like. Then it will become: to achieve that vision.

At Work (Goddess’s Work Is Never Done)

I wrote that I felt overworked and out of control, at least with respect to one of my gigs, and that I needed a lot more freelancing clients.

Here’s my vision for my ideal work life: I work from home, in a beautiful, clean, organized office in which I can always quickly put my hands on whatever I need. All my office/business systems are set up and organized perfectly, and I am on top of all administrative tasks, including financial ones. Every obligation is met; every deadline is beaten by at least 24 hours; nothing is left to the last minute but every to-do is tackled promptly. I say “no” when I can’t meet a demand; if I say “yes,” it’s as good as done and I NEVER procrastinate so much that a deadline is in jeopardy. My reputation among clients and potential clients is one of excellence and dependability. I charge a high but fair price for my services, because I deliver that much in value to my clients. My work satisfies and challenges me, but it leaves me with plenty of time to live my life and enjoy my daughter’s childhood. I work no more than 35 hours a week, total, leaving plenty of time for my writing and other artistic and social pursuits.

The House (Temple)

The Shack is what it is. There’s too little I can do anything about with respect to the Shack’s nature. Its condition, however, is another story.

My vision for the Temple: I live in a large, clean, light, airy place. It has three bedrooms and a large office; a spa-like master bathroom; furniture of my choosing (instead of that which I inherited by default from others); and art. Oh, and painted walls. I’m sick of white.

Now, this is the difficult part. This place I have in my head clearly isn’t the Shack. It’s a house — a real one, and that means buying it. And that, given the Offerings shortage, is clearly outside my reach right at present.

So, while I’m here, then, the vision is this: I live in a clean, well-maintained place, clutter-free and organized.

It wouldn’t seem that this is such a big stretch for me, would it? Yet if we’re measuring degrees of resistance — which I must — then this is right up there with losing weight for me. Because it’s taking me a really, really long time to work up the nerve to do something about either one.

No more, though; we’re done with the self-recriminations and fear-based decision making. We’re moving on to a life of action and divine creation. We are IN PROGRESS, after all, which necessitates some kind of movement, right?

Money (The Offerings)

Ugh. That reaction, by the way, tells you straightaway the essential problem I face in this area: I am not comfortable with the whole concept of money.

My ambition for the offerings: I make at least $10,000 a month. I pay all my debts in full every month, and my credit score is over 800. I have some investments that I made (and which I monitor) myself. Lakshmette has a well-supplied college fund, and I have a fully-funded IRA. I am unafraid of money, and I manage it wisely.

A note about that: yes, I know that the monthly amount is a good bit more than I make currently (that would be the understatement of the year). It is possible. It is not likely. But about this, I am certain: here, above all, I need to aim high and if I miss, at least I’ll still be making more than I am now.

The Rest (Relating, Omniscience, Art, and the World)

As for the rest — relationships, intellectual pursuits, artistic activities, and the whole “making the world a better place” thing — I’m determined to make these things a way of life.

I see myself engaged in whatever I’m doing at the moment, safely grounded in beginner’s mind, relating to others, with at least a few good friends in the vicinity. I have coffee, or lunch, with one of those friends or more at least a few times a month. (Baby steps.)  I paint regularly, take violin lessons (and practice regularly, at least three times a week), and write creatively for my own projects daily — I make the time to do these things because they’re important to my peace of mind and sense of fulfillment.

The Vision In A Nutshell

I don’t see myself being a different person — so in that sense, maybe this blog’s tag about “reinvention” isn’t technically accurate. I see myself like a lump of clay in the process of becoming a sculpture of some sort. The clay that doesn’t belong comes off. It’s not a question of adding new things — it’s a question of becoming more the person I really believe I am at my core.

But in another sense, the person that evolves from these visions isn’t the person I am now, and so that is truly reinvention. I have to believe this is possible, but I feel a little under the gun, to tell the truth — the clock’s ticking on my life (as it is for all of us), so I’m not gonna waste any more time.

These are the pieces of my vision for my life, Act II, and I’m now going to go forth and invent that woman who strolls through those images.

I was flipping channels idly this afternoon when I caught the last 20 minutes or so of today’s Oprah show. It featured Marcus Buckingham, a career coach and writer who’s all about bringing the happy to the workplace.

He bases his advice on what’s called “strengths training” — but having seen a few minutes of his sessions with some of the participants he worked with for the show, I think it’s more like “joy training” because the first thing he asks is “what do you love?” Then — “what do you loathe?” I think it’s a lot more useful than the “what pays better?” approach from the blogger I wrote about in this post.

I am really quite excited by this newfound embrace of online content delivery that Oprah’s web team has got going on these days. First, the Eckhart Tolle/New Earth class, now Marcus brings you an 8-session coaching workshop. Cost for each: absolutely free.

I’m going to be following along with this workshop and I’ll blog about it as I go. The first assignment: print out the syllabus and start writing down my “loves and loathes.” If you’d like to play with me, check it out at the link above! You don’t have to join to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and download the PDFs you’ll need, but you do need to sign up for a (free) Oprah.com account to do the whole online workbook thing.

Should be fun!

How Lakshmi Plans To Reinvent Herself and Her Life

Having made plain my intent to drive myself batty (or battier) by tackling every major self-improvement project on my list at once all in the name of reinvention, I shall now lay the foundation of my future public humiliation by announcing to one and all exactly how much my life currently sucks, and what I intend to do about it.

Warning: this is going to be one long mother of a post.

Analysis, or Where I Am Presently

Using the categories I wrote about here as a guide, I developed a somewhat comprehensive snapshot of what my life is currently like. I’m warning you, it ain’t pretty … But it is what it is, and if I want to make it better, I have to accept where I am now as the sum result of my prior efforts, such as they were.

So in the interest of being brave and acknowledging my reality as it currently stands, here it is, laid out in glorious and sordidly categorized (if meticulously alphabetized, thank you WordPress) detail: my life, as I know it.

Divine Image

My body has always been a source of constant disappointment to me. I’ve struggled all my life with its build and “type.” Tall, neither model thin nor obese, curvy but not “big-boned” — it was like nature was mocking me with potential destined to remain unrealized.

Then, my health problems developed, which led to complications, which led to more weight gain. Suddenly I was obese for the first time in my life at the age of — well, somewhere in my 30s, we’ll say.

This one’s the easiest to catalog because it’s right there, all the time, staring me in the mirror. Also, I’m proud to say that I’ve finally started becoming more body-conscious (in the good, positive sense, meaning I’m aware of what’s going on inside me). So, the state of the Divine Image is thus:

• Fifty-eight pounds over the outer edge of my healthy weight zone (which is 138-165, if you’re wondering — do the math and you’ll realize I weigh 223)
• Hypertension
• Chronic headaches (perhaps related to hypertension)
• Chronic back pain and occasional sciatica, related to compressed and ruptured disks and an untreated case of scoliosis in childhood
• Thinning hair
• Somewhat dull and less than smoothly-textured skin; also some age spots on forehead and cheek
• Weak nails that almost always end up split and torn
• Endometriosis
• Complete devolution of fashion and style into elastic-waisted yoga pants and tees with slip-on athletic mules

Eros n’ Aphrodite

What sex life?

I was married. But my husband experienced an identity crisis of the most absolute kind, about which I am really reluctant to say more, at least just yet. So, we broke up, on friendly terms. Even prior to the breakup, he and I never really clicked sexually - - which I now see was directly related to this eventual crisis, but at the time, of course, I knew only that I was supremely unhappy and really felt guilty about complaining, as he was, in every other way, a superior person.

I married for all the “right” reasons, I thought. I cared about him immensely, he was a terrific man, we meshed well, we had similar tastes and belief systems … after a lifetime of grand passions that flamed out spectacularly leaving me a weeping, slightly psychotic mess, I thought “Finally! A grown-up relationship.” In retrospect, I think, I went too far and picked someone who was never going to be able to mess me up like that — because he was incapable of it, not because of his character, but because of this identity issue. He was the supreme “safe bet.”

So — the current state of my love/sex life:

• Nonexistent
• Not actively seeking at the moment, as I think I’ve far too much work to do on myself first
• But for the first time, considering deeply what I really want in this kind of relationship

Goddess’s Work Is Never Done

Are you feeling better about yourself yet? Hey, I don’t mind. If my only function right now is to make others feel better about their own lives, s’OK by me.

OK, work. I’m a writer by profession, although I’ve done other things in my life. I do have a job writing for a particular website which doesn’t pay very well at all, although it pays consistently. But I’m horribly conflicted about it — I ought to be grateful and just do the work, but it’s a very demanding position, with a lot of “stuff” to know, implement, and monitor (with many of the guidelines and standards being somewhat contradictory). I have found it overwhelming almost from the beginning. So, I resist it mightily, which just adds to the anxiety.

My freelance work isn’t going well at all. I want many more assignments than I’m getting currently, and better paying ones. And my novel — well, it’s not getting written nearly as quickly as I’d like. So:

• Time- and attention-deprived
• Overwhelmed and out of control with the website gig
• Not enough freelancing work

Interpantheon Relations

After I moved here, to be near my parents (who died recently and left me this falling-down shack on the lake, bless them), I tried very hard to make some friends to replace the ones I’d left in my old city. That was ten years back. I think I’ve made maybe two friends since, and one of those turned out to be a psychotic drug addict.

Recently, I started reaching out to old friends from college who I’d fallen out of touch with. But I really wish I had someone here, close by, a friend like the ones I used to have — the kind to whom I could confide anything, and who’d confide anything to me; the kind who’d keep me up til 4 in the morning with wild conversations and fabulous adventures. OK, I could skip the four AM adventures now that I have a child but — still. You get the point.

My Pantheon’s current status:

• Out of town friends have fallen out of contact, and we’re not as close as we used to be (with two exceptions)
• No local friends of the depth of closeness that I crave
• Beginning to rekindle old friendships albeit long-distance

Managing The Offerings

Money. Ick. I am horribly, horribly broke. I have mountains of debt. I should be filing for bankruptcy but my records are so scattered that I fear the consequences of letting court officials into them. Nothing illegal mind you — just … see, I have never been educated about money. Not in my childhood — I was just told “no” a lot and that was it — and not really as a young adult. I had to learn the hard way, and I keep struggling with it.

When I lost the last day job and couldn’t find a replacement for it immediately, things got really tight. Then the marriage fell apart, the Ex lost his job, and the second of my parents died (also broke). Not their fault, at all, and I’m not blaming my parents for my financial failings at all. But it’s a long struggle that began before I was born, and I learned what was modeled to me, which wasn’t very healthy or constructive.

The State of the Offerings:

• Over $40,000 in debt (including car, student loan, and credit cards, many of which I can’t afford to pay in any given month)
  
• Barely making ends meet with necessities (which I define as “car payment, rent, utilities, internet — which is a necessity since that’s how I do my one steady job — and food”)
• Very low credit scores

This, above all, is my biggest need. I must get the Offerings under control.

Omniscience and The Art of the Divine

Gosh, when you’re struggling for money to feed your child, indulging in hobbies and intellectual pursuits seems awfully … wanton, doesn’t it? Flip? Shallow and even, if you’re built that way (and I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not) sinful?

I do have some guilt about this, I guess.

But god(dess), there are so many things I want to learn, to know. Not just for indulgent self-interest but for my work, for my writing, for … well, OK, for self-interest, too. I never really had the opportunity growing up for a classical education, and while I did attend a liberal arts college, I was so enthralled with the theatrical offerings I didn’t really take advantage of it. College, I believe, is often wasted on the young.

My intellectual failings as a goddess:

• Well-read but in a shallow way — by which I mean, I read a lot but I don’t think I read it deeply enough for it to “stick”, nor do I read critically
  
• Not fluent in any second language

Artistically, I fare little better:

• I love to paint, but I’m undisciplined about it
• I’m trying to teach myself violin but don’t practice enough
• I harbor secret fantasies of being this amazing poet but feel this one’s out of my reach. Then again, I’ve never taken a class or tried to improve consciously

The Temple

The house … ah, the house. Well, given the lack of funds, I ought to be highly grateful — and I am — that I’ve inherited a place to stay that’s located on the edge of a lake. However, it’s not in the best neighborhood, and it’s a bit — OK, a lot — ramshackle. The Ex calls it “Appalachia” in a derogatory sense, and I have to admit it does have something of the backwoods about it. The walls are too thin, it being a 30-year-old modular creation, and — I don’t know, I just feel WAY too close to everything “out there” inside.

The biggest problem about the house right now, though, isn’t its condition structurally. It’s the condition internally. This goes back, I’m sure, to the global nuclear meltdown that was my life in the past 14 months. I just did not feel like cleaning. I stopped caring — no, not true. I didn’t stop caring. I stopped doing anything about caring.

And now that I feel like doing both — caring and doing something about it — it’s really hard to manage it all. The time constraints are one thing; the parenting demands another; the work obligations overwhelming; and even so I find myself from time to time sitting on my uncomfortable couch staring at a TV screen and not caring about what I’m watching. Not even knowing what I’m watching, half the time.

So, the current state of the Temple is this:

• Disorganized
• Cluttered
• In serious need of a good and thorough cleaning, plus more regular maintenance

The World

Were the World to ask me, “Lakshmi, what have you done for me lately?” I would be required to respond, “Ummm … gimme a minute …”

It isn’t that I don’t want to make the World a better place. Ideally, I’d like to feel confident that my life on this planet does that — my mere existence, I mean. Not that I wouldn’t be concerned about others — far from it. Instead, I mean that ideally, everything I did or said or thought would by its nature improve things.

Lofty goals, I know. I think I’m really talking here about just being the kind of person who makes others feel good about themselves, who doesn’t go out of her way to take on volunteer projects so much as she just … helps people. In short — world-betterment as a way of life, not a project.

I have to admit, though, when I contemplate living life like that, I start to sense my own limitations as a human being. I feel so utterly adrift in every other way — how can I possibly be of value to anyone else? Perhaps I do need to focus on myself a bit at first.

So, I have a vision — but not a plan — for this area of my life. Plans will have to wait. The current state of me-in-The-World:

• On hold.

I normally like Penelope Trunk’s blog. At Brazen Careerist, she offers a somewhat calculated yet insightful approach to job issues affecting US workers. But I think Penelope went a little over some imaginary line with one of her old posts about “Steps to figuring out your next career move.”

Some highlights:

• Cross off your list all the stuff that you like to do but that pays well only if you have the career-equivalent of winning the lottery…. Then eliminate all the stuff that you think would be fun but probably will never pay well: working in a nonprofit, working in local government, being a travel writer.
• If you’re not making time to do it regularly unpaid, then you probably don’t love it. Here’s the litmus test: Sex. We do it regularly, unpaid, and we love it. Run this test on other stuff you supposedly love. Do you crave it like sex? Then you probably don’t love it that much. You probably love the idea of loving it, the idea of who you are when you say you love that thing.
• …[S]top deluding yourself that you have so many interests that you can’t choose. Really what you have is no clear interest and only a bunch of things you would consider if you had nothing to do.

This is, I think, the saddest philosophy I’ve ever contemplated. I can’t imagine making decisions about the rest of my life based, in order, on how much money it brings in, whether I enjoy it more than sex (hello!), and on ignoring everything that fascinates me in favor of things that don’t, simply because I have the misfortune of being fascinated with many things.

My current “day job” pays … well, pretty lousy, actually. Certainly a whole lot less than the prior 9-to-5 job I held. According to Penelope’s philosophy, I should have stayed with the prior job, even though it gave me high blood pressure and any number of migraines. (I certainly didn’t enjoy it more than sex. But frankly, although sex is admittedly a lot of fun and I’m glad I live in a country where I can actually have some without getting my head chopped off or large stones thrown at me, I certainly don’t hold it out as some bellwether of joy.)

I guess what I’m saying is: I think at 41 I’ve earned the right to be happy, and not have to simply punch a time-clock and collect interest on my 401(k).